Let’s start with strategies if you are the Offending Partner, but you are with a person who sees themselves as an Injured Partner who won’t let it go.
He has apologized many times but she won’t forgive him. She reminds him during love-making by making snide remarks. Often she will start crying for no apparent reason but he knows she is thinking about the incident. He feels shameful, but also angry because he can’t undo what he did.
Even though you blame your partner for whatever is bothering you (hence your resentment), adapt the mental set that it is your responsibility to somehow and some way get yourself over the injury. Now, for many this is a very very hard pill to swallow. Start by reading my blog “Five tips for preventing resentment from ruining your marriage”
Even though you have many hurt feelings, try not to let your ego or pride or prevent you from forgiving an otherwise good spouse who is trying to make things right. Look into your own heart instead of listening to family or friends that may be misguided.
Honestly express negative feelings toward your partner in the moment instead of letting those feelings fester into a resentment.
I once knew a lovely wife of an accountant who complained in therapy that she felt very lonely in her 25 year marriage because her husband “never talks to me.” When he wasn’t preparing taxes for his many clients from his home-office, she lamented, he was out in the garage rebuilding classic cars and also practicing his clarinet which he played on the side. In therapy, he was astounded with her crying outburst of how much resentment she felt toward him. He claimed (and was right) that in 25 year she had never mentioned this to him in a way that he could hear it. She just “stuffed” her feelings in a classic “good wife” way. Even though she had a lovely life with affluence, they were world-traveled, and he denied her nothing, she still felt she had very little power or say so in the relationship – so she didn’t, much to the long-term detriment of the relationship.
Mary constantly complained to her friends that her husband did not share enough with her when he came home at the end of the day.