Executing a winning strategy applies to you if you are either the angry spouse or the reacting partner looking for a way to deal with your spouse without losing your marriage. Winning strategies are things you can do to achieve the 7 Anger fighter Success Paths we have outlined for you.
In my experience, most people who have anger issues don’t want to have them and feel shame after the rant is over and the damage is done. Some partners don’t really care and go on living as if nothing happened, (an expect their victim partners to just accept that is how it is), but fortunately those folks are the exception rather than the rule.
Out of control angry people are not themselves when they get angry. Most of them are not like that most of the time and in most situations. At work, they may be seen as the calmest person on the work team, or the most patient person with customers or clients. Yet at home they temporarily turn into tyrants. They want love, and intimacy and emotional connection just like almost everybody does, but they go about trying to get it it in the wrong ways. (They feed the wrong wolf-from Step 3). They have developed losing strategies instead of winning strategies.
Five common Losing Strategies for Anger Fighter 1. Avoid these strategies if you are trying to Communicate with respect:
When two otherwise rational and sane people get into an argument and turn into 7 year olds fighting in a sandbox, one has to ask how can this happen?
Scientists would say that one or both are responding to what is called their “first consciousness”—the knee-jerk reactions they learned as little children which are stored in their brain. This is called by some therapists “the adaptive child” response – it is the reaction they learned to use to survive as little children.
Unfortunately, sometimes we are married to a partner who just “trips” this knee-jerk response in us frequently. They simply aren’t able to access immediately their adult consciousness: their learned response to the anger trigger which they use at work and at other times. We call this the “functional adult response”- the response that gets much better results.
Winning Strategies include being determined to be a functional adult instead of that adaptive child WHEN UNDER STRESS :